Some days my insecurities become a giant hairy ape, pounding his chest and screeching shrill cries that vibrate through my bones.  King Kong insecurities draw my attention away from the normal activities of daily life and from all of the blessings that God has given me.  He makes me feel as if I should turn and run fast, far, far away.

The Godzilla of envy seems to follow not far behind King Kong insecurities.  That big green monster with eyes that burn red for the gifts and talents that others have.  He rampages about screaming about what he does not have.

King Kong is a giant ape who goes after the beauty.  He is drawn to her and is portrayed as wanting to protect her.  In a lot of ways I think insecurities are like King Kong.  Our insecurities are drawn to our beauty, the qualities we have that make us meaningful, advantageous and that bring peace filled satisfaction.

Our insecurities may even be telling us they are protecting us, that they will keep us from getting hurt.  But really, I think our insecurities can hold us captive and keep us from being all that we were meant to be.  While we are being held captive, envy sneaks in and turn our eyes towards what others have.  Looking at their stuff, their accomplishments and their talents we yearn for what they have and we do not.

My insecurities, these fears and doubts and unbelief, can have such a strong influence on me; upon the things I choose to do and the things I choose not to do.  It happens in the little things and in the big things.  I have chosen not to get together with someone who has not seen me in quite a while because I am insecure about weight that I have put on.  Sometimes I hold on to responsibilities long after God has released me from them because I am insecure about letting go, of pleasing others, or finishing well.

Honestly, I have been struggling with fear, doubt and unbelief.  I had built up my head that July 2016 was going to be one of the hardest and most excruciating months of my entire life.  I was terrified to go to sleep on June 30th, for fear that I would awaken to a much more painful reality.

I really can not go into details about why I think this is going to be one of the hardest months of my life; some of it is what lies on the calendar & to do list, some it is because of looming clouds of uncertainty.  I can say this, I sat at the beginning of the month really questioning if I have what it takes to make it through whatever lies ahead.

It is out of this insecurity that I began to feel like what was a monkey on my back was growing in size.  I really started to feel afraid.  I couldn’t even get the words out to my closest confidants about this growing problem.  Who’s going to believe there is a thirty foot ape of insecurity stalking me?  I think this just gave more power to the beast.

So tearfully I prayed the only thing I could think of, “God get me out of this!  Please just take me to August 1st!”  Then I woke up on July 1st.  This morning person was determined to pull up the covers and firmly commit to staying in bed until it was August 1st.  When I could not fall asleep, I just got mad.  There was probably a good mix of anger and frustration with it.

In a very frustrated tone, I snapped at God that it was His job to get my family and I through this month; utterly and completely dumping everything on Him, demanding He take the weight of ALL responsibilities.  Not my finest morning prayer, but definitely honest.

God’s response was more shocking than a bucket of ice water on my head.  I clearly heard, “Good, that’s how I want it”.  Which left me dropped jawed and in awe.  Yep, what looks like a thirty foot monstrous ape to me, is really nothing for my God.

Then I felt like God said to me, “Ok, you told me what you don’t want, now tell me what you do want.”

When you are not sure exactly what to say, I have found it helpful to start off with a long and pondering, “Well…”  (This is where I felt like if I was going to ask for something, I had to ask big).  “…I would like to have a youthful joy for life and a weightless elegance through whatever happens.”

Brilliant request.  Absolutely brilliant.

Of course, I think all credit for the request should go to the Holy Spirit, the one who gives the words when you need it.  The Holy Spirit, who prays with groans that I can not understand.  I would guess that I make the Spirit groan a lot as He edits my prayers and make revisions & additions to them.  I’m quite a messy work in progress.

Here’s what I know about my God that I have learned so far.  He is endlessly loving and compassionate.  For some reason He still cares for me when I am at my worst (which is pretty ugly).  He is patient and kind, tender and gentle.  He is full of surprises.

The human side of me, throwing a temper tantrum over not wanting to experience what lies ahead in the month of July, should probably have been met with firm rebuke.  A correction clearly needed.  But instead of a punishment, I was given an open platform to just get it all out because God wants to listen and hear me out.  Even though He knows much better than I, what is to come and what I need to get through it.  He wants to listen to me.

King Kong insecurity thumps upon his chest with a deep echoing beat once again trying to take my attention.  There is power in scripture, so I got out my study Bible and concordance.  I attempted to look up insecurity.  Turns out it is not in my concordance, but, security is, which took me to this verse.

“Let the beloved of the Lord rest secure in him, for he shields him all day long, and the one the Lord loves rests between his shoulders.” Deuteronomy 33:12 (NIV).

This verse was Moses pronouncing blessings on the tribes of Israel.  This is a blessing for the tribe of Benjamin.  Very poetic, especially for Deuteronomy.  The beloved.  The one the Lord loves.  From love flows security.  From security comes protection and rest.

Envy makes us want to look upon others to see how they have been blessed, or rather to assume how they have been blessed.  Insecurities tell us that those who are blessed are loved more or are doing something better than we are.  Envy and insecurity seem to focus so much on what we do not have or what we are not.

What if the key to defeating King Kong Insecurities and Godzilla Envy is love?  Being loved for the best that we can give with what we have right now in this moment.  Being loved.  Receiving love.  Taking it in.

“No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.  For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” Romans 8:37-39 (NIV).

God’s love is so great that we can be totally secure in Him.  We are more than conquerors overcoming King Kong Insecurities and Godzilla Envy or anything else in all creation.  Nothing in the details of the present or of the future can separate us from the love of God.

We sit on the seventh day of the seventh month of 2016.  For me the first few days of this month have been wonderful, absolutely wonderful.  I have laughed hard, slept better and have been more at peace that I have for many, many weeks prior.  What I was worried would be an intensely painful month, is turning out to be quite alright.

My request for youthful joy for life is pretty good.  I am not sure about weightless elegance yet, I still have moments each day where I have a mini breakdown panicking over what needs to be done and fearfully imagining my personal demise.  Even then there seems to be a quick prompting to just be still and breath.  Little reminders that I am loved.

Love is so very powerful, more so than King Kong or Godzilla could ever be.

Beloved Lord,

If my dear readers didn’t realize that I was crazy before this post, they probably do now.  Lord, I hope that in all my ramblings there are nuggets of chocolate that can be deliciously shared with my readers.  Please help them to get something out of my blog, even if it is just a laugh or a realization that they are not alone in this crazy world.  May these words share a youthful joy for life.

Lord, thank you for giving me the time, talent and treasures to write.  Thank you for the voice that you are developing in these messages.  Lord, you know how hard I am working to let go of the pretense to write like others, and to really allow my unique voice to shine through.  

Please overwhelm us with Your perfect love.  May we find ourselves more than conquerors in our battles with insecurity and envy. 

In the mighty name of Jesus, amen.