Just too tired to go on

That is it.  I am done.  I can not do it.  I am just too tired to go on any further.

Have those sentences ever ran through your mind?

They run through my mind all the time.

Sometimes I think them when I am washing dishes for the third time of the day.  It’s about the moment that I drain the water from the sink that more dishes appear on the counter.  I feel like my jaw just falls and the words “are you kidding me” roll out.  Is just a few minutes of a clean counter too much ask?  Between the cooking, the dirty dishes and the other random things that appear by the hands of my family it’s become a very simple desire of mine to just have a clean counter.  Trying to accomplish such a simple feat can make me feel like giving up.

Other times this happens when I am trying to write.  I believe that I have no other words in my heart that could possibly be beneficial to put on a page.  It is at these points that I feel the words would best be left in my mind rolling through that constant spill cycle in my head.  I want to just get up and go do something different.  I sit and long for those times where the ideas are flowing through me so quickly that I can not move my hand fast enough to get them all out.  I wish I could experience one of those times where I am so filled with passion that it spills through my tears, though the writing continues.  I wish, I long, yet the words do not seem to come at this point, I’m ready to give up.

There are times when I am serving or volunteering that I feel just too tired to go on.  My mind and body says, you have tried to do everything that you can think of, the complaints do not stop, the “recommendations” of what I should do are overwhelming and requests for help are met with weak pats on the back of “but you’re doing just fine”.  I sit and think to myself, why did I ever think that I could do this in the first place?

There have been periods where work has driven me to this point.  When circumstances turned out to be just so drastically different than what I was expecting it to be.  I lie awake at night, even though I desperately need sleep, and contemplate how I will simply survive the next day.  I ask myself how I could make myself a different person, a person who was more equipped to handle what I was facing.  Really I just lie there thinking I am too tired to go on.

Then there are some relationships that drive me to the point that I am too tired to continue on.  The ones that I would so greatly like to just walk away from because it feels like so much work to even keep the relationship alive, let alone thriving.  I go all out thinking it will make a difference and the effort is totally overlooked.  At that time my doubting insecurities kick in the and the simplest of words can cut deep into my heart.  I feel like saying I am done.

Be it work, at home, as part of an organization or within a relationship I can just become so tired that I do not want to go on.  I want to quit.  I want to give up.  How could I possibly continue on?  How can I get a little pep back into my step?

By going to God.  Praying to God.  Doing my best to listen to God.  Reading the Bible.  To be obedient in doing what He asks me to do.

When it comes down to it, I really do not know much.  I know what I can see, but I have a really limited line of vision.  I may perceive something in a moment, but I have absolutely no idea of the overall combination of circumstances in that persons life pushing them that second.  I can only be one place at one time.  There is so much that occurs even at one place that I couldn’t possibly take in that limited amount.

I have a desperate need for God who is ever present, all powerful and has complete knowledge of all things.  When I get to the end of me, when I am just too tired to keep going, I need Him.  I need Him very much!  It just happens to be at those moments of exhaustion and frustration that I acknowledge it the best.

It is at my weakest moment when God’s strength seems the strongest, even though it never changes.  Perhaps that is why the Lord said to Paul in 2 corinthians 12:9, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness.”  

In my weakness God’s power is perfect.  I have experienced that before.  I have been in awe of God’s amazing power in the moments that I had nothing left in me.

Yet, even with those historical experiences in my life, I would rather choose to avoid a moment of weakness than to go through it embraced by God’s perfect strength.

Still, I cry out, “I am just too tired to go on!”  Turns out that I often find myself in those moments of weakness even though I strongly desire to avoid them because they do get me to turn to God.

Go to God.

It is really amazing what I get in response to what I bring to God.  Sometimes His direction is that I just need to trust Him.  Sometimes I feel like He is telling me that I just need to be patient with the details, that He is working on them but it is not time for the answers to be revealed to me yet.  One time I distinctly remember receiving the direction that if I drank more water, I wouldn’t be so apt to cry out that I was too tired to go on.

Perhaps as you have read my words today you think I am absolutely crazy.  That’s ok, I just might be.  Maybe you can relate a little bit, but not to my extreme.  That is alright.  Possibly you are reading this and you are finding comfort in knowing that you are not alone.  That is why I do this.  You are why take my life, my heart, and paint it in the form of letters on the page.  This is for you my dear beloved one.

This prayer is just for you.

Dear and Beloved Lord,

Thank You Lord, that we can come to You in our moments of weakness.  Thank You that we can come with nothing but exhaustion, frustration and a desire to run away.  Thank You for making Your strength, even though it is always steadily the same, seem so perfect in our weakest moments.  

Lord, I pray for all of those who read this who are currently experiencing those moments where they are just too tired to go on.  I pray that they would experience inward renewal day by day (2 Corinthians 4:16).  I pray that would experience victory over their troubles in Christ Jesus (1 Corinthians 15:57). 

May each of us learn to listen, just a little bit better, to Your still small voice.  May we meditate on Your words in our hearts and may we apply Your directions to our lives.  Even when we are doing these things, may we not be discouraged when moments of weakness come, but instead may we turn to You that we make experience Your strength. 

In Jesus’ name.  Amen. 

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