I have found myself walking through some dreary doldrums as of late. As I looked at the definitions of these words, they resonated with me this morning. Dreary means causing sadness or gloom, dull or boring, and sorrowful or sad. Doldrums can be a state of inactivity or stagnation. It can also mean a dull, listless, depressed mood where one finds themselves low in spirits.
I find it difficult to sit and write. It’s very forced, bordering on painful. As of late, I have sat down to write a post or even emails and have found myself dumbfounded that I can not pull the words together. It’s frustrating and seems to be increasing my mental dreariness. It’s like the color has drained from my life and I’m living in the dull shades of gray.
I am very frustrated with myself. I start the day feeling lost. Mornings are usually my golden time of the day, yet right now I seem to just drift and ramble through them. I wearily pull myself out of bed and begin going through the motions, setting to the tasks. I have such guilt weighing upon my shoulders that I am not the normal version of me. I can sense that I laugh less, smile less and become increasing agitated with the smallest things.
Have you ever felt this way? Have you felt this dull, listless stagnation creep into your life? Can you relate to what I am talking about?
I find myself reading through Psalm 42 and it is resonating with me in new ways.
“These things I remember as I pour out my soul: how I used to go with the multitude, leading the procession to the house of God with shouts of joy and thanksgiving among the festive throng.” Psalm 42:4
When I am feeling dark and gray, I can’t help to think back upon the sweet and joyful times. I deeply long to recapture the laughter, love and lightheartedness of those moments. I want to experience them again.
“Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me?” Psalm 42:5.
If I could only answer this question, why, then maybe I could fix what ails me. Notice that there is both I and me in my sentence. Look at how I seek to be in control of my life. It’s such a battle of my life on this side of heaven.
You may be wondering at this point why I am sharing this with you. Am I seeking your comfort or condolences? Am I crying out for help?
I wanted to share this today because life is not all rainbows and butterflies. It’s also not one major crisis after another. Sometimes there are just times of blah. I longed to write from where I am on the chance that someone could relate. I feel as those someone out there needed to know that they are not alone in experiencing these times.
There is something amazing that happens between two human beings when they have walked through the similar experiences. It can create a bond out of which rich relationships can form. Those memories can be vivid in our minds and our souls, easily recalled when a conversation of another’s trial triggers them.
It is through the survival of these times that God is working things together for His purposes. We must trust Him in this. I know it’s so hard to do. I struggle with it, especially when I try to understand. I know in my head that God’s ways are not our ways, but there’s still a big part of me that wants to get it and to know what is going on.
“Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another – and all the more as you see the Day approaching” Hebrews 10:25.
That is my life verse.
When things are good, it’s very easy to be cheery about this verse. I think of not giving up meeting together as continue to make time for coffee with friends & fellow believers.
This verse lies in a section of chapter 10 in Hebrews entitled, “A Call to Persevere”. The preceding verses talk of drawing near to God with a sincere heart, to remember that we have been washed with pure water, to hold to the hope that God is faithful and to consider how we can spur one another on towards love and good deeds.
A sincere heart. As one who writes many letters I think of sincere as a loving way to sign a note. Sincerely. Yet I looked up this definition this morning, too. Genuine, real, pure, unimpaired. A heart that is free of deceit. To be free of deceit means that I have to been honest in those times when I do not have a happy heart.
But bringing God my dreary heart filled with doldrums, does not mean that He will not receive me. God is still faithful. God is still good. There is not a moment, a simply solitary breathe that we have taken that God has stopped loving us.
Come as we are. That is what God tells us. He is the source of eternal encouragement and good hope. He will encourage our hearts (2 Thessalonians 2:16-17).
When I am down. When you are down. When life feels yucky. God says come.
He’s got His arms spread wide for us. God has gone before and been through ever detail, every moment. He’s got the vivid memories in His heart, the ones that will form a bond with us and deepen the relationship that we have with our mighty God and Savior.
Come as you are. Experience His love for you.
Thank You so much for the opportunity to write this morning. Thank You for wrapping Your arms around me, even though I am covered with the filth of gloom. Thank You for washing me with You pure waters that I may be refreshed in Spirit.
Beloved Lord, I lift up to You all of those who may be experiencing the same thing today. For those feeling like the doldrums have blown in and covered the bright light in their lives. I pray that they may find encouragement from Your love for them.
Please break through the mechanical motions of our tasks and help us to experience the vibrant and abundant life that You have blessed us with. Help us to praise You, God, when it is hard and when we feel emotionally disconnected.
May our love for You come from sincere hearts. In Jesus’ name we pray, amen.